Some Old One Liners...

• It was announced this week that head of Apple, Steve Jobs, has received a new liver. The iLiver was chromed and had his name etched on the back. Early reviews suggest that it works no better than a normal liver but spending a penny now costs £1.79.
• This week, disgraced cricket promoter Allen Stanford learned that he now faces 375-years in prison. Reacting to the news, ex-England opening batsman, Geoffrey Boycott, suggested that Stanford spend the first 370 years ‘playing himself in’.
• Sean Penn has abandoned Hollywood part way through his latest film after his children begged him to spend more time with them and their mother. In unrelated news: the world waits for Jack Black’s children to start speaking.
• Concerns mount over Kim Jong Il’s health. Apparently the bugger’s still alive.
• Meanwhile Silvio Berlusconi’s grip on power is slipping. But that what will happen when your fingers are covered in baby oil.
• And as Italy continues to be gripped by the tales of Bacchanalian orgies in Berlusconi’s villa where 18 year old super models apparently parade around the place naked, we ask: how do we ensure our MP’s stop claiming for Jaffa Cakes on their expenses?
• Michael Martin continues to claim that he was hounded from office because of his humble working class background. Indeed, there’s nothing more humble and working class than being crap at your job and having your chauffeur drive you to Celtic matches.
• This week ‘The Observer’ reported that Britain’s nuclear power stations have had 1,750 leaks, breakdowns or other ‘events’ over the past seven years. Thankfully, the leaks all occurred in parts of the UK that don’t read ‘The Observer’. Which is ironic, given all the extra eyesballs they have up there...
• As mobile users in Africa get their own weather forecasts, we get a look inside the high tech software that runs the service: Line 10: Print ‘Hot and dry.’; Line 20: Goto Line 10.
• In the world of coincidence: as Ronaldo admits that he’d decided to leave Manchester United last year, a supporter also admits that it was last year when he decided that Ronaldo was a complete tosser.
• As Facebook launches a Farsi service for people in Iran, we ask: aren’t they suffering enough?
• And, finally, Twitter’s in the news this week as Iranian leaders face a new crisis. They must either stop oppressing their people or Stephen Fry will unfollow them.